ash wednesday

Yesterday i went to help out over at my church because it was ash Wednesday and i have to say i felt really good. i saw a lot o f people from high school and even people from elementary it was nice. i also saw my friend who stopped talking to me after he found himself a girl friend..yup the guy I've talked about in this blog... it was weird i never well i guess when i was there i was hoping to see him but when i did i wished i didn't because he showed me how ignorant he was. he changed his religion and well he was over at a catholic church because of his fam. but anyways he did things that bothered me like being disrespectful at church and i respect that he changed his religion but i would want him to respect the other religions..i mean why did he show up if he didn't want to be there? in a way i feel that he did it because i was there and he wanted to show off but its dumb.. i guess i figured out that he wasn't really that mature... anywhos i also saw his cousin, i had a crush on him before i even liked this other dude jiji..it was cool hes more laid back down to earth and i could also really trust him..i think he was trying to help me out to get his cousin jealous because he kept hugging me and just paying attention to me it was funny. all i have to say i well mi am happy that i had the chance to really go out and help out my community. i had the chance to see some old friends and to also really see the real world. i guess i would have never really expected to experience the things i did on that day..and well for now life goes on with or with out a guy.. i feel confident of myself and happy for the first time. life is a grave and i dig it..

life life life

lets see today is a pretty chill day, i was thinking about what to do with my hair color...
i think i might go black and then add some purple tips jiji not sure yet...
as i was looking at my mysapce i found that my buddie has a girl friend it was sad but that
showed me that i had to move on and i was happy for him..
though i have to admit i wasnt jealous or anything it was just a suprise..
though lets see i am already talking to another guy and hes pretty chill
though he likes to drink a lot and party so i am not sure hes the right guy for me though i
have to admit im having sum fun..some how i always like making guys believe they have a chance but later on i just ignore them jajaja..sad i dont mean to do it but like i say im not good with feelings so when they start getting to lovey dovey i just stop because well i dont know how to respond... any whos i have to start working on my homework and start paying attention to my oceanography class because its not going well... i am excited i now its a while but i am almost 20..jiji wipeee any whos im board so i am just writing...i am here waiting for my friend waiting to leave to go eat or something... mmm ok lgotta go remember life is a grave..can you dig it???

feelings

This week went by so slow yet it was nice getting sum rest. i have to admit i spent my valentines day quite fun..had some drinks as always jiji got a lil buzzed yet i wonder when i will have the chance of finally sharing that day with a partner who would really appreciate me.. my sister was sad because she didn't spend it with her bf and i thought to myself well at least you have someone who cares about you... its always February the month when it makes me feel all shadey but then its been well all my life without really having a valentine..because lets face it i can't keep a relationship...i always mess everything up...im so used to being friends with guys that i just don't know how to be a lady jiji... i dunno i have to really work on showing more my feelings and really being committed to someone. basically i have to not be afraid..but this is just tough for me all my life ive been made fun of that i just hid myself in costumes trying to be like everyone else..that is until now im happy with my self though i hate disappointing my parents.. mmm life is tough i have so many things in my mind...: guitar, money, dad, school, hw, projects, what i missed on wed for not going to skool, my friend adam, love life, new boy who im talking to, going out more, getting old, running away, dropping out of school, finally putting a rest to everything and just go into a deep trance, smoking a cig...which i might tomorrow im just so stresses that i need one.. i need a friend who i can talk to who will not judge me and help me get on with life...i need to speak up and scream all this feelings out but how?? life is a grave how fast can u dig it?

life is a sour candy

mmm well lets see today i dint go to school cuz i didn't feel like it..
you finally text me after mmm i dunno 3 or 2 weeks i was shocked
you never really expect anything to happen until it happens..i wasn't even thinking of u and
there u go putting thoughts back into my head about those good old times..
though i have to admit i had no more feelings of butterflies but those of just friendship
i guess ijust moved on..i am happy though things are staring to get back to normal..
i am so excited cuz im going to buy a guitar and it is awesome!! im so excited though i have to admit its a lot of money for a girl who doesnt work so i have to work hard and get some guitar lessons..jiji
anyways im happy today and thats all it matters no more sadness no more tears life is finally turning out okay.. life is just s sour candy...