feelings

This week went by so slow yet it was nice getting sum rest. i have to admit i spent my valentines day quite fun..had some drinks as always jiji got a lil buzzed yet i wonder when i will have the chance of finally sharing that day with a partner who would really appreciate me.. my sister was sad because she didn't spend it with her bf and i thought to myself well at least you have someone who cares about you... its always February the month when it makes me feel all shadey but then its been well all my life without really having a valentine..because lets face it i can't keep a relationship...i always mess everything up...im so used to being friends with guys that i just don't know how to be a lady jiji... i dunno i have to really work on showing more my feelings and really being committed to someone. basically i have to not be afraid..but this is just tough for me all my life ive been made fun of that i just hid myself in costumes trying to be like everyone else..that is until now im happy with my self though i hate disappointing my parents.. mmm life is tough i have so many things in my mind...: guitar, money, dad, school, hw, projects, what i missed on wed for not going to skool, my friend adam, love life, new boy who im talking to, going out more, getting old, running away, dropping out of school, finally putting a rest to everything and just go into a deep trance, smoking a cig...which i might tomorrow im just so stresses that i need one.. i need a friend who i can talk to who will not judge me and help me get on with life...i need to speak up and scream all this feelings out but how?? life is a grave how fast can u dig it?